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24 October 2006 @ 08:32 pm
If I don't let myself be happy now then when?  
The first star I see, may not be a star.
We can't do a thing but wait.
So lets wait for one more.
And the time, such clumsy time in deciding if it's time.
I'm careful, but not sure how it goes.
You can lose yourself in your courage.

Slowly working on my Hamlet essay. Brings up a lot of questions. I don't know; I complain about AP Lit a lot, but I really think Clark is right. You can't really find the depth of things without suffering. Mm, maybe that's why I try so hard on Lit stuff. I care and I want to find something more from it than just a grade. I know she grades really reasonably though. If you have the evidence to support something, she'll give it to you. As long as your interpretation is backed, you're good. It sucks when you have one or the either but not both, though.

It makes me really wonder about life. Not that I don't already.

For this essay, you're supposed to choose a passage from Hamlet and analyze it. I chose the scene after the gravediggers, where Hamlet is talking with Horatio, starting with the "Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio--" (V.i,190). It really hit me when I was reading it, and it's a passage that I remember extremely clearly. It's one of those "meaning of life" things, yet it's somewhat deeper than just that. Maybe it's just the Shakespearean language. Hum, well, whatever it is, he goes into the depth of human existence itself. "What are we here for?" "Does everything we do just amount to nothing?" After all, the great heroes end up the same way as any normal human does, "this fashion i' th' earth" (V.i,204-205).

That brings me to the question of what we are doing with our lives. There are those that strive to be remembered, so they seek glory. There are those that get glory from achievements for the greater good, having done it just to better mankind. What about those that just get by through everyday life? Work everyday, get a normal paycheck, just... live. Where do you find the meaning in that? Where will you have left an impact? I don't know. I have gotten really depressed at times when I thought about it. I would realize there's not much there in life and question why I just did everything, whether there was something. I want to go to college because I want my work to amount to something. That, in itself, is also kind of depressing. But I think past it now.  There is, really, more to life. I mean, dealing with people everyday, you impact them and vice versa. There's a lot of meaning in just the small things. Although you ignore the big picture often when stressing the little details, there is often something you can find in those small things. They count for quite a bit, too. So, don't forget the small things, but don't sweat over them, either.

Mm, my dad asked me over the weekend, "Are you a happy kid?" What am I supposed to say to that? "Yes" would be a lie, but "no" isn't quite true either. I'm where I can get by. "There is no light without shadow," after all, right? I can accept that. Now that I have contemplated -- WTF IT'S 9:00PM ALREADY -- I will return to doing my essay. Or rather, actually start writing it. No sleep for me tonight again.
Mood: tiredtired
Music: Jimmy Eat World - For Me This Is Heaven
unordinareunordinare on October 25th, 2006 11:39 am (UTC)
i like hamlet. he's just the right mix of emo and insanity (maybe actually too much insanity, even if its spurious) and scrupulous. woot.
Calintzcalintzj on October 26th, 2006 03:36 pm (UTC)
I think we could all benefit from not worrying so much about the big picture and where we're going in life. Granted it's not a good thing to be totally oblivious to where you're going, but life usually doesn't work out like we think it will, or like we want it to. Basically you should enjoy every day, even if it's bad, because your experiences, good an bad, let you know you're alive. Life is for living, not worrying!